Digest #000,001

Dancing Henry Proudly Presents: The first edition of its famous Almanac in digital form. A new era is about to begin. Right after this full stop.

Bertha Van Der Meewes
Famed Dutch philosopher who stayed in bed her entire life, proclaiming all forms of activity to be utterly futile. A big hit with the Bohemian crowd, until her duvet was accidentally removed one day to reveal a huge pile of faeces.

Paulo Lucarsi
Well documented as being the fattest opera star in history, this man was so obese that he was able to maintain his position as the most popular performer on the Italian stage for over 30 years, without ever singing a single note.

Francois Souffe
Owner of the most prestigious restaurant in all of France, this chef is so arrogant that he refuses to let the customers try his food, claiming that it would be wasted on their inferior palates. Since its opening in 1994, every major celebrity and political personality in France has visited his restaurant, eating packed lunches while Souffe gorges on his own cuisine in the kitchen.

Strosidski
A small town in Russia that became a retreat for disillusioned KGB agents after the end of the Cold War. Initially a thriving market town with a prestigious annual produce show, rumours soon developed that one of its residents had created an unusually strong pesticide, designed to ward off competition in the largest marrow category at that year’s show. Paranoid, the other residents retreated to their potting sheds in a bid to develop similar weapons, and ward off attacks on their vegetables. Since then they have cut off all communications with the outside world and each other, and it is rumoured that within their backyards are concealed some of the most potent biological weapons ever created by mankind.

Stryken
A large stork which, according to Greek mythology, would deliver a baby to its families in its beak, and then stab out the parents’ eyes so they were unable to see it.

James Violet
Sometimes known as “Violent” Jimmy Violet, this London gangster’s 1983 autobiography became a surprise bestseller and media sensation that lead to his own column in the Daily Telegraph. Violet found instant commercial appeal through his quirky use of spelling and grammar, and the gimmick of daily death threats, which he then carried out that evening. The popularity of this column led to his own Friday evening chat show, which held the nation enthralled as they tuned in to see which unwitting celebrity was going to get ‘the treatment’ that day. A popular feature was added in the second series, in which a camera hidden in the home of an unsuspecting viewer would see them being rubbed-out live on air. The show soon plummeted in the ratings however, as the format was rejigged, and it was moved around in the schedules by restless TV executives (all of whom died soon after of mysterious knife-related illnesses.)

Chad Thomas
The most award winning child-actor of all time, at the age of just two Chad Thomas had had starring roles in no less than 11 films – all of which earned him Oscars for Best Actor. A critical backlash inevitably ensued however, and after the box office flops of Chad Thomas Shits his Nappies and Cries a Lot and Chad Thomas Tries to Walk But Can’t Even Stand Up Properly, it was apparent that the audience now shared the opinion of reviewers that he was in fact “just playing himself”.

Tags: chef, child star, greek mythology, opera singer, philosopher, russian town